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Dan above Avalanche Meadow, below Wheeler Peak. | |
Dan's nicknames include virtually every flowery adjective in the book. He spends most of his waking hours in Bear Valley pondering such philosophical erratics as, "What if the universe were square?" and, "Why don't they make pork jerky?" Rumored to have been found in a reed basket floating down Love Canal, Mr. Ahlborn was actually born the only son of a Baptist minister in Rural, Iowa. Prior to finishing grade school, Dan ran away from home to join the circus where, while using the cognomen "Freak Boy", he enjoyed a modicum of infamy performing contortionist stunts such as putting both feet in his mouth and extracting his head from his butt—a feat he has yet to master. Obviously. At eighteen, Dan left the circus in Hollywood, Calif. to appear in a series of blue movies, eventually landing the lead role in "Peanut, the Porn Boy." Never one to shy away from failure, Daniel's brief yet ultimately dismal brush with stardom—where he was looked down upon by such greats as Rock Hudson and Liberace—led to his many years of excessive drinking, debauchery, drug abuse (HGH, Viagra); and, a series of run-ins with the law that eventually provided him with a profound sense of inner peace and the family atmosphere he lacked as a youth such that, today, Mr. Ahlborn can finally proclaim with unabashed pride: "Prison is the only place I really felt loved."
You go, boy!
